I was driving downtown last night on the way to see the space where my friends are running their incredible (more on this later) business when my phone rang. Of course I am using my stupid phone for GPS.
New to Los Angeles = always using GPS instead of my brain.
I looked down to see that it was my father calling and of course answered it only to find my GPS no longer directing me. Now I was forced to talk to my dad on speaker (to avoid a ticket from the LAPD, total headache) and attempt to use logic to get where I was going. (seriously one of these days I will get a headset)
The call with my father was pretty standard. “How’s your health?” “What’s the status on the job?” “How’s the car?”…you know all of those vital things that “Daddy” asks you about when he calls. He went on to tell me a story about how my sister took him to hear Evan Bayh speak and then they had a great dinner at some new restaurant. As he was telling me this story my stomach started to tighten and I could feel myself becoming upset. He was so happy to have spent the entire evening with his daughter (my sister) and I could hear the sadness in his voice that I was not there to participate.
Here is what started happening in my head:
“Oh my gosh what the hell are you doing out here stuck on the 405 listening to trash radio when your father is alone in Indiana?”
“Your sister is so much better than you. She helps dad all of the time and is always taking him out.”
“You’re seriously the worst daughter, you better fix this. What kind of jobs do they have in Indiana, can you get one of them?”
My dad tells me he has to stop for gas so he better get off of the phone so he can pay attention. I become even more upset that I am not there to pump the gas for him and keep him company. I start crying and we attempt to say goodbye 16 times before teary eyed and swerving between lanes on the 405 I finally hang up.
What a disaster.
I called one of my friends and it went straight to voice-mail I needed to talk to someone and beat myself up a little more about how I am a terrible person. When my friend didn’t answer something clicked. I took a deep breath, turned on some Muse and then this started happening in my head:
“You are a grown woman. Your father is a grown man, it is not your fault your mother died and it is not your fault that the entertainment business only exists in like 3 cities.”
“Seriously, it is fine. Your dad is fine. How much would you really see him if you were there? You can’t just move back to Indiana and live in his house and do nothing, you would die.”
“Wallowing in your sadness about how you are seriously far away from your family and a terrible person is not going to get you where you need to be in this industry.”
And with that I turned up Muse, got off on my exit and pulled into my friend’s office parking lot.
I spent an hour watching their reels, talking about the projects they have coming up and what they want to do with their company all while touring the coolest artist-loft-office building I had ever seen. We laughed about some of our times and friends in New York and made plans to work together when we are 30+ and actually somewhat successful. (Although I would say that they already are successful..but that’s just my opinion)
I got back into my car and headed home and suddenly I realized that..Hello?!?!! That’s exactly it! THIS is my home. I can’t go back…I am no longer that naive girl from Indiana nor do I want to be.
I love my father and I miss him on a daily basis and I doubt that I am going to stop crying every time we get off the phone anytime soon. But I have a life to live…and dreams to fulfill and when I live my life and fulfill my dreams I am honoring him and what he has built as a business man, as a husband and as a father.
So that guilt that comes with moving far from home and realizing you are missing out on events and people and memories…it wont go away. You just to have to remember why you’re out here and what you want to become. If it gets really hard and you think you’re going to break…take a trip to a friends incredible loft space downtown, watch some really creative shit and get perspective.
As they say…if it were easy…everyone would do it.
If you need to…you can just watch this and cry your eyes out….because…well..obviously.
Teresa Sabatine 