The Art of Getting What You Want

This morning I received an email from a friend who needed to vent about her current conundrum. She has too much work on her plate, not enough time or resources and isn’t getting paid half as much as she is worth.

This isn’t the first time I have heard this story, as a matter of fact, I’ve lived this story quite a few times myself. As a woman, I find it really hard to admit that I need help or ask to get paid what I am worth. But why?

In 2010 I was drowning. I was assisting with running a small production company, handling the personal and professional details of my boss’ life, producing development projects for major networks and regularly traveling around the country.  I was exhausted, overworked and at my wits end. But I didn’t ask for help. I didn’t want to seem incapable or lazy or like I didn’t appreciate my job. Did I stand up and say, “I would love to do this for you, but I am going to need this to get it done.”? No, I slaved and suffered and started dropping the ball.  It took my boss coming to me to say “You need to hire an assistant, you need help” for me to get what I needed.

It’s this personal familiarity with my friends circumstance that makes me laugh but also allows me the opportunity to offer her advice so maybe she can get ahead of the curve.  Since this is the third or fourth woman who has come to me seeking guidance on this subject I thought I would go ahead and share my thoughts broadly. Here is what you need to know:

1. Your worth is not tied to your job or your performance at the gym or the status of your relationship or your weight or beauty.  There actually is not such thing as “worth”.  You don’t need to measure, you don’t need to perform, you don’t need to convince.  You just need to show up, be you, do things you are proud of and then go to sleep and start it all over again the next day. If someone doesn’t think you are doing enough they will tell you or they will fire you.

2. If you don’t like the work you are doing and it doesn’t make you feel good, you should find different work.  I am not saying quit your job tomorrow but I am saying sit down, figure out what it is you like and make a plan to go do that.  If you have no idea what you like and you sit down to write about it and can’t think of anything then write “I don’t know” and try again the next day.  You don’t have to have all of the answers right now.

3. Sometimes the work we want to do requires us to do work we don’t want to do. As an artist I am fully aware that the artist life and career means little pay and a lot of sacrifice.  There is a difference between a “means to an end” job and a “career”. Sometimes you have to work to pay the bills and it is not so easy to just say “I don’t like this, I quit”.  Be kind to yourself during the “means to an end” job, it does not define you and it does not mean you aren’t working toward the greater goal. If struggling with this, see point #1: There is no such thing as “worth”. 

4. If you don’t like your work because you feel overwhelmed it doesn’t necessarily mean you need a new job.  If you are overworked you are absolutely entitled to look your boss in the eye and say “I need help”. Asking for help does not mean you are not capable, smart, hard working or a valuable employee.  Asking for help means you are capable of identifying a problem and then solving that problem.  Believe me, once you get the help or resources you need the possibilities are endless.  If down the road the changes don’t make you feel good, then you can decide whether it is time to move on.

5.  Your fears are not reality.  A lot of the time what we fear in our minds is not what is actually going on in real life.  The next time you are afraid to speak up I challenge you to take a minute to make two lists: the first list is a list of the things that are actually true and the second list is a list of the fears you have made up.  Look them over, examine them and then take the list of fears and throw it away.

Asking for what you need does not make you greedy, needy or entitled.  Asking for what you are worth is again, identifying a problem and solving it. If you are faced with the situation of having to ask for a raise or for help you might feel afraid and overwhelmed.  Make the two lists of reality and fear.  Throw the fear list away.  Now, approach the situation like a science problem:

• What does the data say?
• What tangible things have you accomplished since your last review or your last raise?
• What are you contributing to the company as a whole?
• What would you do with more resources?
• What is the overall value of your contribution?
• How does it benefit the company to give you the help or the raise?

Now take your data and present it to your boss. Communicate what you are contributing and what you believe that is worth (more money, an assistant, more money and an assistant). The worst thing they can say is no.

This process doesn’t just apply to your career.  You can use this for your personal goals and roadblocks. I actually recommend practicing these things regularly, it will only make you more prepared when it is time for those big conversations.

Your life is in your hands, the sooner you realize that the sooner you will get what you need.

For help with drafting emails to your boss or preparing for “that” conversation email me at tlsabatine@gmail.com.  Sometimes all we need is a little external reinforcement.

What Are You Really Waiting For?

Two weeks ago I saw this post on LinkedIn by Rhianna Shaheen describing her “Team Oscar” experience.  For the past 3 years Channing Tantum and the Academy have run a video contest for college students to submit a 60 second video about a certain topic.  Six winners are flown to the Oscars to present awards on stage. This years topic: Best Piece of Advice You Have Ever Received.

Rhianna’s piece of advice? “No one is coming for you”. 

In the days following that article I had the great privilege of attending an internal Nike meeting to kick off Summer 15 and review the journey of Spring. One of the greatest moments (and believe me there were many) was a visit from Sanya Richards Ross.  If you don’t know who she is, you’re missing out, and should head here to find about her: http://www.sanyarichardsross.com/ 

This is a 30 year old woman who has won 4 Olympic Gold Medals in Track and Field.  She is an entrepreneur with her own TV show, she runs a non-profit that aims to enhance literacy in children from her native country in Jamaica. Oh and when we asked her what motivates her to keep running?  She answered “I always wanted to win the Olympic race by 10-20 meters and I haven’t yet”.

I am no stranger to going after things that I want, but as I grow older I find my vision for my life a little more blurry.  I find myself taking less risks, wanting things to feel safe and familiar.  There is nothing wrong with any of that–in fact a nice safe environment can sometimes be just what you need to realign and see your future more clearly.

But what about my cultural upbringing or my circumstances has kept me from winning 4 Olympic Gold Medals? What has kept me from traveling the world meeting with young women and trying to change their lives one support group or medical enhancement at at time? What has kept me from asking for more money? Or applying for that job? Or for standing up for my beliefs in a relationship or friendship or in a conflict?  Why do I sometimes feel like I am sitting on the sidelines of my own life?

I think it’s because I have been waiting for permission. I think it’s because I’ve thought someone was coming for me. That my purpose would magically appear, that someone out there somewhere would tell me that I am good enough.

Well here is the cold hard truth: No one is coming for me.

There is no motivator following me around screaming “Move faster, work harder, go one more mile, reach a little higher.” Life doesn’t come with a built in cheerleader–not unless you build one yourself by adjusting your inner dialogue.

But thanks to Rhianna Shaheen, Sanya Richards Ross, Sheryl Sandberg, Amy Poehler and all the other epic women speaking out and changing the world I am receiving what I like to call a little “Universe Boost”.  The Universe is sending me some external cheerleaders in all shapes and sizes. It’s sending in the reserves while I fumble for a little while.

I’ve never painted an apartment wall–in all of my life.  I have always imagined bright inviting colors on my walls and strategically placed shelves and art and I have always stopped myself from painting or creating because I just figured I didn’t know how. (silly right?) I guess I thought that when I got married my husband could teach me to paint and hang shelves (disappointing isn’t it?)

The other night I bought some beautiful yellow paint, a few brushes, an electric drill and some wall hooks.  You better believe it’s going to be me and roller this weekend making my new space mine.

Today it starts with just a yellow wall, tomorrow maybe I will take on the world.

What have you been waiting for permission to do? How do you think society or your upbringing has taught you to behave? Share with me in the comments below or tweet me on twitter! 

The Internal Dance

As some of you know, last month I joined a group of freelance artists who have come together to discuss their individual process and journey.  This month I went deep and real raw and talked about balancing my own dreams and a relationship with a really handsome man.  How do we still see ourselves within our love for someone else?  How do we grow by letting go of past assumptions and ideas for “success” without losing our minds and feeling naked and exposed to the Universe?  Or maybe being naked and exposed to the Universe is a great way to be?

Find out here: The 30-The Internal Dance

“There is No Such Thing As Failure” – Oprah

This time last year I was on a train bound for Berlin Germany.  I didn’t know anyone, I was in an interesting state of mind and I thought I wanted an adventure.  I had never traveled Europe alone (or at all) and as I looked at the New Year blazing toward me I wanted to run really fast in the other direction.

I had just lived one of the best years of my life (as far as I knew).  If you would have asked me in the middle of the year if it was the best year of my life I am not sure I would have said yes (isn’t that always the case? Hindsight is 20/20 my father says).  By the time 2013 came to an end I realized I had accomplished a lot of things on my “career check list”. I was proud of my work, my newly acquired knowledge and I was inspired by the people I was blessed to collaborate with.

There is something about the arts that gets into our veins like a drug.  Any theatre actor or director will tell you that when a play’s run comes to an end it can sometimes feel like you are mourning a death.  The film industry, for some of us, isn’t any different.  The trouble with me is I love the art, I love the business and I am as sensitive as they come.

In 2012 I fulfilled a life long dream, I moved to LA to start out on what I thought was a forever journey as a California girl destined for Hollywood greatness.  I don’t mean fame and fortune I mean greatness in movie making, I mean sitting around with the best minds in the business and creating epic entertainment.  At the end of 2012 I landed a job at a really great company and was learning everything you could know about distributing a film.  By 2013 I was in a groove.  I was attending networking events, helping my friend get started producing his first (and very good) short film, I was spending Saturday’s playing beach volleyball and I was making new friends by the minute.  I was home.  I had arrived.

Then I got a call to come back to Chicago for Transformers 4 (see my post, Taking the Plunge for more on that journey) and I couldn’t say no.  The money was better, the possible opportunity was endless and I wanted to know what it took to pull off a major Hollywood action film.  So I packed up my Brentwood apartment, tossed that stuff into storage and with big tears billowing from my eyes I got on a plane at LAX and headed for my next adventure.  I knew I was leaving my home but I swore I would be back.

The summer of 2013 was really incredible.  Be it the most stressful it was also a learning and growing opportunity.  We pulled off some crazy stuff, I learned more about contract negotiations than I ever imagined and I barely slept. Chicago in the summertime is pretty damn amazing, I was closer to family, I was working nonstop on what I LOVED and I was meeting new talented people in the industry.

When T4 ended my next gig took me to New York where I also have incredible “family” and got to work with a really great team of people on some television development projects.  But remember earlier when I said sometimes for artists when a play’s run comes to an end it can feel like you are mourning a death?  Well I was.  I didn’t know which way was up.  My gumption was covered in mud and I couldn’t find it anywhere.  I was fumbling the ball (as they say) and when I sat down to try to figure out what to do next, where to go next, I couldn’t see a damn thing.

So there I am, on a train bound for Germany and hopeful that my gumption or my clarity or my compass was hiding somewhere near the Berlin Wall.

Unfortunately, it wasn’t.

Let me tell you something about your gumption.  You’ll never find it hiding near the Berlin Wall, or in the next job or in the hands of a lover. Your gumption comes from within, your gumption is in your gut, your heart, your soul.  And if you search and search and search for your gumption in other things, you will only find yourself further and further from finding it.

To re-locate your gumption you have to do the work. You have to grieve the loss, face the music, focus inward and really listen.  Sometimes it can take months, sometimes you find yourself begging the Universe, your mother floating up above you or even a beautiful full moon to just give you a break, just for five minutes can I have my gumption back? I promise I will use it wisely.

In my particular instance it took all of 2014 for me to get my gumption back, and I have to be honest, I am still kind of digging it out of the dark corners of my soul.  I’ve punished myself for months as I reflect on the past year.  I look back on all the decisions that I made and they feel so far from who I really am. I took jobs not aligned with my inner truth, I moved to towns I never desired to live in, I made interesting financial decisions and I probably burned some bridges that I really wish were still in tact.

So here I am, letting that inner voice win. ( more on that in my post, The Lies Men Tell)   It’s telling me I am lost, it’s telling me I made all of these mistakes and it’s telling me to run. Run run run run run, leave it all behind, all of the mistakes, all of the challenges, all of the burned bridges.  My mean little voice wants me to abandon myself and stop digging for my gumption.  She’s tired, and honestly so am I.  But this is when it really counts. This is when Rocky Balboa finally makes it to the top of those stairs, this is when in the third act Matt Damon’s character Will Hunting realizes he’s got to go see about a girl.  This is when it matters, when it gets so tough that your little inner voice is telling you to abandon the challenge.  This is when you really have to show up for your life.

I stumbled upon this video the other day and I can’t tell you why, but it has changed me.  I’ve listened to it each morning ever since.  It’s Oprah Winfrey at a student led interview at Stanford Graduate School of Business.  She say’s a lot of really valuable things and while I am not an Oprah Winfrey obsessed fan I can’t help but acknowledge that her words hit me in my gut.  The biggest takeaway from her talk is this:

“There’s a supreme moment of destiny calling on your life. Your job is to feel that, to hear that, to know that. And sometimes, when you’re not listening, you get taken off track.  You get in the wrong marriage, the wrong relationship, you take the wrong job.  But it’s all leading to the same path.  There are no wrong paths, there are none. There’s no such thing as failure really, because failure is just that “thing” trying to move you in another direction. So you get as much from your losses as you do from your victories.  Because the losses are there to wake you up.

I can see my gumption in the distance.  Sometimes the inner voice is so loud that it causes me to pause for a moment and think about giving up, but we have to keep moving forward, we have to keep digging.

Here’s to trains bound for Germany, the wrong path taken and to waking up in 2015.

What will you do with your supreme moment of destiny?

The Lies Men Tell (and why women should join them)

I am slowly floating toward the big 30 (arms wide open by the way) so it is no secret (and I am not ashamed) that I have done my fair share of dating.

I’ve dated the business owner, the entrepreneur, the sales guy, the actor, the frat guy (oh college) the musician, the finance guy, the stuntman, the older man.   Some of these “relationships” lasted 3 dates, others lasted a little longer and thankfully taught me a lot about myself; what I want, what I don’t want, how to drive a car really fast….you get it.

Ironically there is one thing that all of these gentleman had in common;  the universal understanding that they were the greatest.

You know what I am talking about, right?  You’re there lying in bed, or drinking a glass of wine over a nice dinner or sometimes even with a group of friends and your boyfriend or date or whatever you want to call him announces to you or the group that he is the greatest.  Or maybe he is the funniest or maybe he is the smartest or maybe he is the most athletic or the most creative or the best leader or the best stunt driver.  Whatever the case or the skill or the circumstance, these men seem to all know what makes them so great.

Do you know how many times I’ve sat across from a date and pronounced my greatness? Zero.

Do you know how many times I’ve sat in a room of colleagues or dear friends and pronounced my greatness? Zero.

As a matter of fact, I don’t even think I’ve ever even sat in front of a mirror and discussed how great I am.

But the other day I got to thinking; why is it that the men on this earth feel so comfortable, so sure and so damn confident that they pronounce their greatness everywhere they go?  Why is it that instead of joining them in pronouncing my greatness I get this strange feeling in my stomach and the little person inside my brain (you know the one, the nasty one, the one that feeds you negative bullshit and keeps you from enjoying dessert) says;

“Oh I am so embarrassed right now by how great he thinks he is, I would NEVER talk about how wonderful I am, so embarrassing. So so embarrassing. Should I stop seeing him? Do you think he is an egomaniac? Oh yep, that’s it, he has an ego issue. We’ve got to go”.

But even worse than the fact that I refuse to pronounce my greatness with the best of men I also REFUSE to allow others to point out my greatness. “She’s really good with people, she can talk to anyone and make them feel loved and valued” Insert little person inside my brain;

“Ok ok this person just TOTALLY went there didn’t they?  Who do they think they are putting you on the spot like that? What are they thinking, you’re not good with people you’re just nice, so of course everyone likes you.”

I’ve been told by some friends (male and female) to attack this little voice inside my head with a machete or any sort of weapon.  And since I am not a fan of violence I often just imagine myself picking her up by her little arms and tossing her out of my brain all together.  But she always returns, she always always returns.

So I am raging a war on the little voice and I am going to be declaring my greatness just like the men do.  Because let’s be honest, why should they be the only ones aware of how great they are?  And really, I am getting a little bit tired of listening to them go on and on as I respectfully and quietly request the waiter order me another glass of wine.

Bad habits be damned.

The next time you’re on a date or in a room with a  group of men and they start talking about how great they are, go ahead and join them.  I bet you you’ll be surprised at how open they are to hearing what you think of yourself.  And if you have the time, maybe pronounce your greatness in front of the mirror or gather up a group of women you love and respect and start an email chain reminding you all of your greatness.  These men are on to something, and if they’re all going to sit around and celebrate how wonderful they are, so are we.

The Paradigm Shift: Be Water

I am not the biggest fan of change.  The deep rooted truth is, even within all of the moves, the various jobs, different apartments and the random adventures, change terrifies me. 

Unfortunately, change is necessary to our process and our growth.  Despite my fear, I have a respect for internal change, the subconscious and conscious progress we make in our hearts and minds.  The work we can do on ourselves in a lifetime is similar to great works of art. The time and dedication, the practice and commitment it takes to get us to the “best version of ourselves”. There is something about reflecting on our past that enables us to see how much we have changed and allows us to be proud of our growth.

But, ironically, ask me if we should change where we have Christmas or how we celebrate Thanksgiving and I will leap at you with a ferocious force (just ask my boyfriend).  Please don’t take away my traditions and the comfort I find in the way my mother used to play Bing Crosby and dance around in the kitchen.  If you try to take that away, you will have to fight me to the death.

It’s funny, actually, because it’s been 6 years since my mother passed.  That is six times we have celebrated Christmas without her making us sit down and read the story of Jesus and the Manger (really lady, again? We get it, Jesus was a miracle baby), six times that we have sat in someone else’s dining room to say out loud what we are thankful for without her delicate mother’s china perfectly placed around the table and her loud beautiful laughter filling the room. So why is it that every year around early November I get this deep, sick feeling in my stomach when someone tries to change my Holidays.  I know we aren’t going back to my childhood home to listen to Bing Crosby, I know my mother isn’t going to show up swinging her wine glass to grab my hand and hold me tight and tell me that she is thankful I am her daughter.  I know there has been a Paradigm Shift but I somehow refuse to acknowledge it. I fight the planning and I fight accepting that again, this year, Holidays are going to be different.

So I search for flights to new places and I contemplate not going “home” at all since these days I am not really sure where home is.  I hesitate to book because the idea of not getting to enjoy my mother’s company is overwhelming but the alternative, sitting out the Holiday, is more overwhelming.

Can’t you just see it?  Me and my TV dinner watching The West Wing for the 90th time on Netflix?  Terrifying.

And I commend my sister for hosting Thanksgiving and trying, in her own way, to carry on my Mother’s tradition because she, maybe just a little or maybe a lot,  also misses the china and the laughter.  How brave of her to try to have my mother’s memory live on in this new profound way.

My father has been repeating a phrase to me for a few months now,  “Be water”, he says.  His philosophy stems from the American translation of Tao Te Ching, The Way:

Water
The best of man is like water,
Which benefits all things, and does not contend with them,
Which flows in places that others disdain,
Where it is in harmony with the Way.

He reminds me that change is inevitable and being able to flow with that change is the secret to acceptance and a balanced life.  Oh how easy, I often think, I should just be more like water.

But it’s not that easy is it?  A Paradigm Shift can be jolting, especially if you begin one without knowing and you suddenly wake up on the other side feeling and believing all new things.  How do we flow with these sort of changes in our lives? How do we shed years of tradition and stability and just accept the change?

I listened to an incredible podcast by one of my favorite entertainment creators, Shannon Fitzgerald, this morning.  You can find it here: Episode 11, Karen the Therapist

Her and Karen talk about Shannon’s growth over time. In the beginning of their relationship (3 years prior) Shannon was completely focused on this career, she referred to it saying “I feel like I’ve been white knuckling my life”.  She was giving a lot of weight to this “career” and doing whatever it took to get to the next goal or mark, even if that meant working ridiculous hours and sacrificing a lot of her life. But through work and dedication and her therapy with Karen she has discovered a new perspective, she has had a Paradigm Shift.  She now maybe doesn’t believe so much that her career and that next “goal” is going to satisfy her or lead to a happy balanced life.

But how scary, right?  I’ve had a similar Paradigm Shift lately.  I get calls about jobs and I no longer put myself on the next plane but instead think, is this what is going to have a positive impact on my life? Do I believe in the work? Will I be satisfied and proud? Or, ultimately, does the cost outweigh the benefit?

That’s my latest barometer in which I approach life.  I suppose in my next great shift I may have new ways of measuring something’s importance, but for now I’ll just attempt my best impersonation of water and float on.

*Love to hear your thoughts on your own Paradigm Shift and how you cope with personal and professional change. Tweet me or leave a comment below!  

Trust, Ain’t Nothin But A You Thang Baby

Earlier today as my trainer was instructing me to bend those knees a little deeper and really use momentum to jump on what some would call a, ahem, 10 inch platform, I heard these words come out of my mouth: “yeah, but I don’t trust myself”.

I took up boxing last summer after reading this INC article, “Hit me: Inside San Francisco’s Founders Fight club” about silicon valley’s brightest and most successful using boxing to become “less afraid of conflict”. If anyone needed to get better at speaking up and confronting conflict it was this girl and if getting punched in the face meant I’d be more likely to voice my opinion, this money-maker was all yours.

I spent my May, June and July up at 530AM in the ring with Ricky–it took all I had to drag my ass out of bed after 12 hours of paperwork and contract negotiations (this was in transformers pre-production of course) but I was committed and hitting things wasn’t the worst way to relieve some Bayhem stress. It felt great to start my day swinging, when you focus on punching another person and avoiding being punched back everything else fades away.

My sessions with Ricky quickly ended when the film crew arrived and production picked up; 20 hour days don’t leave a lot of room for sparring. Soon enough, summer faded away and when the circus left town in October so did I.

Ricky and I were over.

When I got to Seattle I knew I needed something that was mine, a routine. My boxing gloves were staring at me from the corner of my closet so I put them in a box and shut the lid, “You’re nothing to me without Ricky”, I thought as I closed the closet door. My boxing days were behind me, how could anything ever compete with those hot summer mornings with Ricky?

And then one day my friend convinced me to join her gym so we could work out together.  Weeks of treadmills and dumbbells went by and nothing had changed (and my gym partner moved to Portland, thanks a lot Liz) Then I met Jennifer.  Jennifer and I had one of those “consultations”–You know where the gym sets you up with some random trainer and you talk about your “fitness goals”.  Well if you don’t know this about me already, I’ll let you in on a little secret, I’m a sucker for a good conversation and a great deal.  So as I sat in that small, smelly trainer’s office and got to know Jennifer she mentioned that she was a trained fighter. My boxing gloves starting calling me all the way from a top Capitol Hill. There was no turning back; 45 minutes later Jennifer and I were set up for 10 one on one sessions at 40% off original price.

So there I was today, in session 5, staring at this, yes 10 inch platform, wondering why in the hell I can’t just jump up and land my two feet right on top.  As I heard the words “I don’t trust myself” come out of my mouth I caught Jennifer smirking out of the corner of my eye.  And suddenly I realized she knew; we weren’t just there for the boxing, we were there for the transformation.

See Ricky had been a great sparring partner, and he wasn’t too hard to look at either.  We focused on staying fit and moving around the ring, I got to a point where I could go 00:1:30 rounds without needing Pedialyte.   But Jennifer is different.  Jennifer is all about using boxing not only as a technique to get fit, but as a technique to become mentally stronger.  Jennifer is preparing me for the fight–not necessarily in the ring or on the street when I may or may not get attacked by one of these Seattle weirdos, but for the every day struggle of being alive.  She is training me to fight the negativity in my head, to replace “I’m not sure” with “Get out of my way”.  Jennifer is helping me get my power back.

My next jump was smooth, my feet landed flawlessly on to that 10 inch platform and I thought to myself “Trust, ain’t nothin but a you thang baby.”

15 inch platform here I come.

 

What do you do to work on mental strength? How do you learn to trust yourself? Share with me in the comments section below or tweet me on twitter @TeresaSabatine!